SNOW!?

  It's the last day of September, and we just had our first snowfall. It's cold, rainy, (so now the snow's all melted,) and it sucks. It was pretty for awhile, though.


  
  In other news, I got to make another mixed CD. DF and I have this thing where he'll give me things, which vary, and I give him mixed CDs with fun stuff like gum or starburst. It's very fun, and they're always accompanied with a note. I tried to explain to him what's going on in this particular note, and I apologized for completely ignoring his birthday. (I know, I'm stupid.)
  The other day, I gave DF my last stick of gum instead of one of my other friends. The other friend started talking about how I only give stuff to my boyfriend. I had to publicly declare that I don't have a boyfriend. (Just because I want one is a completely different story...)
  DF and I were walking from lunch to class. We were behind one of my friends who was talking to her boyfriend. When they had to go different ways, they kissed. I'm completely used to that, but DF isn't. He widened his eyes and started laughing, so I know we're not going to be kissing any time soon. Oh well. That doesn't change a thing for me.
  I also have confirmed my suspicions that I may be a diabetic. When I had two much sugar twice within three days, I started getting really thirsty, which is a sign of high blood sugar. I've discovered that as long as I eat things that are low in sugar and eat a small amount of sugar when I feel weak, I'm okay. NO insulin shots for me.
  Now...TV. I have started to watch the best three primetime shows:
The Office



Heroes



Friday Night Lights (hasn't started yet, but it'll be on next week)


  
  The Office and Heroes are AMAZING. I just discovered that DF also likes Heroes, but doesn't get to watch it much. We have stuff in common. It's amazing. (Just kidding about that amazing crap.)
  School has been making me feel tired. On Thursday night, I was feeling tired and passed out on the couch. I don't really remember what went on around that time. My mom noticed this, and now she thinks I'm a drug addict. A commercial came on for recognizing meth use in your kids, and she started quizzing me about that. Moms are frustrating.
  My favorite class right now is Choir. I am an alto. At first, I hated the fact that I never get to sing a melody, but listening to some of my favorite songs, I can hear an alto singer in the background. It's amazing what little things can make you observe.
  I also printed a ton of amazing sheet music off of the internet. Breathe by Anna Nalick is like the best piano piece ever.
  I have a lot more I could say, but I think I'm done for today.

fifteenth post! (i only got to fourteen on the last blog)

  I'm so angry. The other day I received another little tidbit of news: my dad started talking to his now-girlfriend online a year before my parents divorced. That's right. One year.
  I've forgiven him for way more than this before, so this shouldn't big, right? NO. This has uncovered everything

Apparently, I have multiple personalities.

  I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately, and I came up with this: I know myself so well that I can't separate it enough to evaluate who I am. All my actions are acting from who I am.
  And if this theory is true, I have a lot of different personalities.
  With the DF, I'm a girl who made it through the hard stuff and who he now knows intensely well. For example, today I said, "Oh my gosh, I have to take my stupid guitar home today." The meaning that both of us knew I really meant was, "Wait for me by the guitar room when you pick up your bass clarinet. I want to walk with you." That's Personality A. I rather like her.
  At home, I'm moody teenager who has gone emo and is a bit angry with the world. (Really I'm girl who just barely forgave her parents and still rages against her stepfather in her mind.) Personality B is a little nuts.
  In 1st and 3rd period, I'm quiet girl who gets good grades. Personality C is nice, but not interesting.
  In 2nd and 4th period, I'm the musical girl who picks up on everything quickly. Personality D is pretty sweet, almost as great as A.
  In 5th and 6th period, I'm the girl who knows everyone's inside jokes and is friends with everyone, but dedicates most of her attention to her DF. Personality E is tied with D.
  Here's the shocker: in 7th period, I'm now known as a troublemaker. Personality E is weird. Today in Spanish, Holly, Josh, and I were looking up insults in the Spanish dictionary and using them on each other. We talk a lot in that class. Today, the ending of the 3rd week of school, she noticed. I am now a 'trouble child' who needs to be watched and chastised often. Really, I'm not bad, I don't disrupt, and I finish my work with A's to boot. Yet, I am one of the worst kids in the class according to Senora what's-her-name. I don't get it.
  Of course, I occasionally add more personalities to the list. Think I'm crazy yet?

wheee

  Do you remember the part in The Sound of Music where Liesl gets her first kiss and runs around screaming WHEEEEE? I didn't kiss anyone today, but I screamed like that because I was really happy.


  
  This morning, I forgot to talk to Matt. I think he thought I was mad at him, so he didn't talk to me. I spent quite a bit of third period writing 'I screwed up' over and over. I felt horrible, but it turned out he wasn't mad at all.
  At lunch, Matt and I were talking about his older brother and this girl named Jenna. He said that Jenna is his older brother's 'friendish.' (if you don't get that, you've never been to middle school.) But the way he said it made me pretty sure that I'm his 'friendish.' Which makes me happy, and makes me realize that he's slowly pushing the limits as far as he can. If he goes further (with me) than his brother does (with his friendish), his mom will probably end up knowing. (Because his brother is the type to get mad and tell.) I don't know if his mom knows about me at all. (My mom doesn't know a thing, even though we've known each other for about ten months.) This is why I will now be referring to Matt as DF. (dearest friendish)
  Even though we don't go far, I can tell that we're going further. We're a bit messier around each other. We used to move around cleanly, making sure nothing ever touched. Now I'll take a paper out of his hand while touching his fingers, or he'll sit down when my hand's on the back of the chair so they brush against each other. It's exciting to notice these things.
  When I was walking home, walking the way that I knew he would drive by, I saw his car. I know he saw me. He turned around (he was in the backseat) and watched me until they went out of view. The second he turned around, I smiled at him. I'm almost positive he noticed.
  It's just little moments like that. They're perfect. WHEEEEE...

maybe this year is different than last...

   
   I HELD HANDS WITH HIM!!!!!!! Okay, so techinically we were told to hold hands, but still. Let me explain.
   Because NJHS is crazy, we had to skip lunch and 5th period to go to a meeting. They assigned us places to pick up recycling (I'm supposed to go to the faculty lounge). Then, before we could eat, we had to play a game. I missed half of the explanation, but I was there when they gave out teams. Since Matt sat behind me instead of next to me, we were both on the same team. (#5) That's when I found out that we had to hold hands with the people on either side of us.
   A kid I didn't know, but was really nice was on my right side. Matt was on my left. I was surrounded by guys holding my hand. The way the game was played, Matt had to squeeze my hand every so often. Between rounds, most kids let go. I let go of the other kid's 
hand. Matt and I only let go once. Occasionally, I would feel his fingers pulse or his bones move. And his hand felt almost exactly like mine. We didn't get sweaty (probably because my heart was beating so fast,) but it was like we matched perfectly.
   We were excused to go to B lunch because we finished early, so on the way there, I went with him to help him with his recycling route. (He's by himself.) After, we just hung out at lunch. When I had to go to the bathroom, he waited for me. When I went somewhere, he 
followed. Of course, I followed him everywhere, but still.
   I REALLY like him. I've never felt this way about a guy before, unless you count him. I talked with Steve and Holly about choir when I knew he was listening, and I could tell that he wanted to hear me sing. When I talked with Holly in 6th period, I saw him watching me talk. I don't think he knew in first period that I periodically (about every 10 seconds) glanced at him to make sure he was okay. After school, he followed me into the choir/guitar room so I could grab my guitar. (which looks pretty much like this.)

He just wanted to look at it. We talked about Peter Frampton (who sucks and is old. He didn't even know who Peter Frampton is.) on my way around the school so I could get more time with him.
  When I'm around him, I can't stop staring, can't stop thinking about how lucky I am. There's no way I would live right now without him. There's no way I would be alive, or at least have my feelings alive. I know this sounds corny. I'm sorry. What's a girl in love to do?
   In other news, well, there is no other news compared to this. I'm done.