another one of THOSE days...

  Yep, it has been one of those days. One of those AMAZING days when something happens with DF and I freak out. Again and again.
  Today was the day of the Christmas dance. A year ago at the Christmas dance was when DF and I really started our fantastic relationship. Before that, we were friends. Since then, we've been best friends. So today, I was really excited to spend the dance with him again.
   But then he came into the library (we hang out in there during it because it's quieter) with a checkout slip. He was leaving. I knew that my face fell a little bit when he told me that I 
had a whole five minutes with him instead of an hour.
  Then, I decided to go to the computer. He came with me, and I looked at my sister's blog. The blog with the picture of the baby named after my cousin. He knew something was wrong, so I just told him that she wasn't the first girl with the name. He understood, I think.
  Then, as I waited for a page to load, he said merry Christmas, and I heard a thunk. There, on the table, was a brand new copy of one of my favorite books, Impulse. I had been trying to get my hands on a copy, though he didn't know that. 
  Then he left. After a minute of sitting and writing poems about how excited I was, it occurred to me that there was obviously going to be a note inside of the book. I waited until nearly the end of the dance to read it, and it was great.
  Because it was mainly about him. Usually, we talk about me. I hate that, but I'm in a terrible habit of it. This letter was about him, how he was reacting to his family, and that he wanted to hear me speak with my southern accent. That was it. But it was what I needed, what I still need.
  I just love him.
  So I've decided that he's getting his present in the week after Christmas. It'll be a CD, of course, but I'm going to put a little bit of myself on it at the end. And I think I'll put in two letters, one in our usual style and one that tells him the serious stuff: the story of my dad, and the story of my cousin.
  I know that's really heavy for me, but we need it. I'm also going to put that he can ask me any question, because he really can. I feel totally comfortable telling him anything that's important.
  I just love him.  

P.S. For some reason, the formatting is all weird with the last letters on the next line in some words. Sorry. My computer doesn't like to fix things.

another thing...

I don't remember if I've ever mentioned my dad...but this is what he'll be like soon, since my sister and I have already seen most, if not all, of the warning signs, in him.


Now I can't get the link to work...just go to youtube.com or sheltonfilms.com - it's called my name is lisa.

saddened

  No, this isn't another DF update. This isn't a merry Christmas or generic happy holidays post. This is me sad.
  A girl I knew last year, a girl I talked to, who was really nice, who shared my first name, was in my gym class, moved away over the summer to Texas. And today I found out that she has cancer. Throughout her whole body. They can't do anything, and they just have to let her die. She's my age. And she's dying of cancer. If she were here, I would just hug her. I can't believe this is happening. She was so nice to me last year, and now she'll be gone.
  This reminds me of my cousin. When she was five years old, she was sick and they took her to the doctor. She was diagnosed with leukemia and died a year later. Her battle was so hard. Even though I was too young to know her then, you could feel the gap in the family when she died. You can still feel it. I talk to her older sister sometimes, and I can still feel the gap that was left by such a little girl. Even though I was three when she died, I knew what was going on. Various pictures of her bald grace my extended family's houses. We all miss her.
  My cousin, one of her older sisters, just had a baby girl about two weeks ago. And she named her after her sister, this girl who I never knew. Their brother died as just a baby, and I had another little cousin who died after my aunt and uncle tried for so long to have a baby. Their second adopted child still says that she's the middle child, after that little sister that she never really knew.
  So I guess that death is on my mind right now.

And for the completely random note...

  I just got a TON of new music. Here is who you should be listening to that I am now listening to:

the new Jimmy Eat World album (Chase This Light)
most of the new Gregory and the Hawk album (In Your Dreams)
Cake. (especially Wheels and Short Skirt/Long Jacket)
Seal (kiss from a rose)
Dashboard Confessional (I just got Vindicated)
ALLY JAY ( my new favorite country singer. not that I really like country that much.)
Colbie Caillat (occasionally, for the girly times)

But on the sadder note of today...

  DF and I were talking about this snobby girl in choir. And he said that the girl had gone out with a guy in his ward. Here's his next words:
  "And Mormons aren't even supposed to go out with people until they're sixteen."
  I was really sad. I figured that those were his standards, but I was never sure. I figured that 
there was always a little hope for us. It turns out that there's not. Well, there is in two years and nine months when he turns sixteen.
  But I'm sad because I know myself. I'm not going to wait that long. This is the longest I've held a crush, but I won't last that long.
  And how do I know? Because today I was wavering toward Tim. After one small comment.
  I guess that I'm trying to say that relationships are hard. Even if they are nonexistent. And won't happen. And if you've been just friends with the guy for a little over a year now.
  But I'm definitely staying friends with DF. And Tim. Just more towards DF. My feelings can just stay where they are.

Choir is amazing!

  Okay, so I should just admit it now...I like to sing. A lot. I sing on my way to school, on my way home from school, for hours after I get home from school, and I even  have a class in school.
  So I'm obsessed with choir. At the first of the year, it just seemed like an all right class, just a bit better than normal, but after we started our Christmas songs...I've just been so happy. Until today. It was the last day we got to perform for choir. Every time I performed, I loved it more, and I was disappointed that I didn't get another concert to get it just right.
  I'm excited about taking again next year. Already. That's how much I love it. I'm trying to get DF into it, and he says he wants to. I think he's ashamed that I'll think his voice is bad or something, but I don't care what his singing voice sounds like, I just want to see him happy and singing.
  Okay, so this wasn't exactly the point of my post. I just didn't want to start off arrogant, and I'm afraid that by writing this thing I will sound arrogant. But I'm just trying to explain this feeling.
  Last night, we were singing our final song, Po La'i E. (Hawaiian Silent Night) We were supposed to sing it in Hawaiian, hum it, then sing it in Spanish, then another group sang it in French, and then we had to walk up the aisles singing in our different languages.
  So there I was, walking up the aisle, when I decided to start walking with my friend Tim because I would feel more comfortable. He also sings really loud, so I knew that I wouldn't be as nervous about singing.
  When we finished, he turned around and told me that I had a really nice voice. That he had always heard my voice from the alto section, but didn't know who it was. For some reason, this was a HUGE deal to me. I think it's because my mom and my little sister have said that, but they're family, so they're required to. My friends don't have to say any of that if we're just singing. But he did. There's also the fact that my biggest dream is to go to Choir Festival. Since only four altos are picked, my chances of going are slim. But I want to so badly. So this upped my confidence.
  So today when we sang that song in front of the school, Tim came and sang by me again. I said that I went by him because he sang loud and didn't throw me off. He said that he came by me because I was loud and helped him, so he didn't get thrown off.
  Choir is so much fun.
 

the BIGGEST day ever

  Okay, so it's been a long time since I posted. Sorry. There wasn't much going on until today.
  These past few weeks, I've been searching inside myself to try and figure things out. I was actually wavering on whether I like DF any more. I've also been cramming for gigantic tests and working like crazy on guitar and choir songs, because the concerts started today. So I've been busy, and thought about posting here, but then I just didn't.
  So let's start with the beginning of today. I got to school, went to my first couple classes, but left after about ten minutes of math to go to the MTC. My brother (step-brother, not the one I posted about before) is leaving. He left today, to go on the Pennsylvania Philadelphia mission.
  To start off, the MTC is the coolest place ever. Once you get past the lobby where people meet with their families, the feeling is just a little short of the way you feel at the temple. Everything is strong, every emotion comes out more, and things seem clearer. During the talks they give before you have to say goodbye, a woman had all of the missionaries stand up. Looking around, seeing my brother and all of these men who are giving years of their lives to be strong servants, almost warriors for God, was amazing. So finally, the talks ended, and my brother had to leave. I wasn't going to cry, but looking around, everyone was crying, from little girls to old men. So I couldn't contain myself; no one could.
  So I was feeling a little shaky when I went into the bathroom. But in there were a bunch of women who you could tell had been crying. We were united in the fact that we were all giving up something important, something we loved so dearly that it was hard to separate ourselves from. With that thought in mind, I felt strong.
  After that, we went to Cafe Rio and then I went back to school. It was the middle of the Reflections Award Assembly that all of the kids who entered got to go to. (I was required to enter.) Since it was near the end of the school day, I didn't check in and I just sat by one of my friends, not realizing that DF was at the end of the row until I sat down. I wanted to sit by him, so I was convinced that he would win an award and when he got back, he would sit by me. But here's the shocker: I won the award. For literature. For one of the crappiest poems I've ever done. So I went back up, sat by DF, and we talked through the rest of the assembly.
  The assembly finished early, so he went with me to my locker to get my stuff, and then the bell rang and we left. He went home, and I walked to the elementary school behind my school to pick up a janitor application. That's right, I'm going to be a janitor. It's about the only job I can do at this age, and I get paid $6.53 and hour.
  After that whole thing, I hung out at home for awhile, then decided to play piano and sing, then to play guitar and sing. I spent some of the best hours of my life then, just being one with the music.
  Finally, my mom got home. We sat around for awhile, and then my sister called to tell me that she's having a baby GIRL. I'm so excited, because now I'll have two nieces, and I could tell that my sister really wanted a daughter.
  In case my day couldn't get ANY more exciting, I had a guitar concert. But this wasn't just a guitar concert. It was a guitar/BAND concert. And guess who's in the band? So after I played, getting so flushed that I'm still a little red in the cheeks, I sat down in the auditorium to watch my friends (okay, mostly DF) play. I actually stared at him almost the whole time.
  Once they were finished playing, we hung out in the school. His older brother was playing in the more advanced band at that point, so his parents were still watching the concert. We talked. And talked. And talked. So talking to him, in that perfect moment where he was DRESSED UP
(I have a thing for guys who are dressed up) I knew that I really still love him. It's really still happening. Eventually, his mom came. And the second she came, I ran off like a shot. But we had that perfect twentyish minutes, and everything was great.
  So in summary of today, the biggest day ever: my brother went on his mission, I won an award for Literature, I applied for my first job, I had a music revelation, my sister is going to have a girl, I had my first guitar concert, I hung out with DF for awhile, and I realized that I love him.
  Today has been great.